Honesty

 

Feeling things again...

    

    Let's talk about honesty for a minute, because I believe it's a crucial piece of my sobriety puzzle.

    How often do you lie? I bet most of you can't even be honest with yourself about that! And I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty; just to make you think. Sometimes lying actually has some benefits. It can save you time by not having to explain every aspect of a situation, and sometimes it can spare someone negative (or even positive) emotions that aren't really necessary. In fact, if we told the absolute truth about everything all the time... well I'm not sure I'd want to live a world like that.

    However, when it comes to getting sober, the best thing you can do is be honest. In my last post, I talked about my trip to the ER. What I didn't mention, was that I decided not to tell the ER doc that I had taken a little too much molly the weekend before. My grandparents were sitting right there and at that moment, the last thing I wanted to do was make them feel disappointed in me. In hindsight, that was pretty stupid, as it may have factored into my diagnosis. But the next day, I woke up with purpose. I then decided it was important for me to tell my grandparents and my parents the truth, and man, their reception was amazing.

    Never underestimate love. Love gives us the ability to look past peoples' flaws and see the good in them, even when they're being bad. I know it seems terrifying in the moment, but I urge you to have some faith in the people you love. They will understand, I promise. It may take some time, but they'll understand. They might be angry with you, but they will probably want to help more than anything else. 

    The three things I lie most about are:

1. My substance use 🌿💀

2. My time and availability 🌞🌙

3. Money 💰💲

    I've never been the kind of person that admits when money mistakes are made in my favor. Since I've been sober, that has changed. I played a poker tournament with my grandfather at his neighborhood clubhouse last Friday, and when the guy running the show gave me way too much change for my buy-in, I didn't say anything... at first. The old me would have just said, "Hell yeah! Free buy-in for me!", but after thinking about it for a second, I decided to go and give him the money back. After doing so, I felt really good about it.

    Availability is another thing I tend to lie about, which is ironic, given the fact that I consider myself a pretty lonely person. I think it has a lot to do with the sheer laziness that I felt from smoking pot all day. I'm already putting myself out there much more than I was before, and I hope to bring some new people into my life who I don't feel like I have to lie to about my schedule.

    And of course, last but not least, the reason we're all here: I've lied a lot about my substance usage. Not so much in the sense that my family doesn't know I smoke pot and do drugs and drink occasionally; it's always been more about the amount I was using. My Mom or Dad would call and say, "So, how are you doing with the cigarettes and pot?", and I would say something like, "Pretty good! Been cutting back lately." SO not true. 😅 I was never cutting back. But again, to tie this back to my original point, I thought that by lying to them, it would spare them some negative emotions that they didn't need to experience.

    But after the raw and intense honesty I've exhibited this week, I'll never go back. Not only did I find that my family had nothing but positivity for me in return, I found that it was pretty cathartic, too. It makes you feel powerful to communicate with that much veracity. Although I'm not and never will be religious, I imagine that what I did this week is similar to a confession. It really does feel good to put your sins out there in the world instead of keeping them locked up inside. 🔑🔒

    That's all for today. Thanks again for all the support, it's really incredible. Keep on keepin' on, all you beautiful people. ✌