Identity

My identity...

    One of the hardest things about getting sober is coming to terms with your identity. I chose the picture above for this post because, although it's pretty old and a bit juvenile, it's who I am. I'm a stoner. I'm a smoker. I'm a lone wolf, a rebel, a punk rocker, and I hate rules and society. I will forever be all of those things, and getting sober won't change that. 

    What it has done for me though, is change the way I relate to those pieces of my identity. No matter how many weeks or months or years I go without smoking pot, I'll always be a stoner. I'll always have that same curiosity about drugs that I had when I was a kid. But what I've realized is that I don't have to let my body be destroyed because of it.

    I'm just a human being. My mind contains only my own memories, thoughts, and learned behaviors. Sure, I can change small stuff here and there, but I think it's extremely rare that someone's personality actually goes through a complete and total overhaul. 

    When you're doing drugs constantly, it's natural to think that you need to change everything about yourself if you want to get clean. And that's because your identity becomes so closely intertwined with substance use that you can't see how you could get clean without modifying your whole personality.

    But I'm telling you, you're overthinking it. It's actually kind of the opposite, if you ask me. You need to accept who you are, and figure out how to be a sober version of that person. Not a better version, or a happier version... just a sober version. For someone who abuses drugs, the drugs become a crutch. When you take them away, you're left with nothing but your problems, and no healthy way to cope with them.

    For me, it's loneliness, for the most part. When I quit doing drugs, I was left with a big, black, gaping hole of lonely. But soon enough, I began to think, "What can I do to plug this hole that doesn't involve drugs?" And that, depressing as it may sound, is the real change that takes place. Instead of using marijuana to keep my loneliness at bay, I started to be proactive about it.

    And lo and behold, the universe heard me, because I was finally brave enough to ask the question instead of hiding from it. What I mean to say is, I made a friend this week. A friend who is also getting sober. I overheard her talking to her friend, and I decided to talk to a stranger. Which, if you know me, is not something I usually do. And it worked. We've been hanging out the last couple days and supporting each other, and shit... it's awesome. I know that making a friend may seem arbitrary to some of you, but to me, it's a big fucking accomplishment.

    So I'm still all of those things that I mentioned in the first paragraph. But without my crutches holding me back, I can now be other things too. I'll always be a loner, but maybe I can make some friends who like me for me, and not because I'm drunk or high. I will always hate modern society, but maybe I can learn to love a few members of it. These things may seem small, but without getting sober, they would never have been possible.

    I'm excited to find more ways in which I can reconcile my identity, and I hope that through your sober journey, you learn to love yours just a little more than you did before 💜❤💜