Don't let the nightmares break you... |
Welcome to Purifier. My name is Adam Bomb, and I've recently embarked on a journey to conquer my substance abuse issues and become a healthier person. I've created this blog in the hopes that my odyssey into the world of sobriety and wellness will help someone out there do the same. Any and all are welcome, all I ask is that you be honest, kind, and constructive. This is a safe space!
Wednesday, May 26, 2021
Nightmares
Thursday, May 20, 2021
Lows (And how health can help)
Health happens... If you let it... |
Well, it finally got to me.
The highs ☝ I've been experiencing over the last two weeks gave way to some deep, devastating lows ๐. The previous 36 hours or so were pretty rough. For no apparent reason, I started feeling depressed, unmotivated, and empty. I expected this, and I'm quite surprised it took this long. But even though I was prepared for it, it still sucked. A lot. And when I'm feeling low, I get really irritable.
This morning when I got to my car, there was a homeless guy doing some heinous shit across the street ๐ต. He had his cart full of garbage ๐ฒ parked in the middle of the road, and it appeared he was filming a video with a fancy car in the background that I can obviously assume he doesn't own. I stood there and watched him, fixated, as my cigarette burned without attention. He was getting weird with it. He reminded of a teenage girl who just got her first smartphone; throwing peace signs and moving the camera around in a flowy, music video-esque style. At one point, it looked like he put his phone/recording device right up to the window and was filming the inside of the car.
Now, even though it was a semi-alarming thing to witness, on a normal day, I would've rolled my eyes, got into my car, and drove off. Because he's homeless. I've always felt terrible for homeless people, and I know that if I draw attention to them, they're very likely to be in for a bad time. But today, the lows got the best of me, and I snapped.
"Hey...YO!!", I yelled, in the opposite of a friendly tone. "What're you doing, dude??". He started to respond, but before he could I added, "You better get your fucking ass moving before someone calls the cops." And with that, the whimsical merriment that was on his face just moments before vanished, without a trace ๐. He stared blankly at me for a second before shuffling away from the center of North Pennsylvania Street.
I felt bad as soon as I got in the car. I never feel great after yelling at someone ๐ค, even when they deserve it. I have to say, in my defense, that guy was asking for it. As I drove off in the opposite direction of the chaos, I peeked through my rearview to find that he had left his trash cart ๐ฒ in the middle of the road, and was continuing his broadcast on the other side of the car, near the sidewalk. I let out an exaggerated sigh of annoyance, and thought, "Whatever idiot, I got shit to do."
Lucky for me, I actually did have shit to do, which is not the norm for me lately. My first stop was to meet my grandparents for lunch, and grab some clothes I had left at their house last time I was there. We went to IHOP ๐ฎ๐ฉ, where I took absolutely no pity on a breakfast combo with chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, bacon, potatoes... the whole shebang. It was delicious, and my grandparents were getting along and in good spirits, which helped to lift mine.
The reason I decided to meet them on this particular day, was because I had two appointments scheduled at the big hospital complex near their house: One for my first COVID-19 vaccine shot ๐, and two, to see my primary care provider about the episodes of vomiting and diarrhea that led up to me embracing the sober life. I had been pretty nervous about both the shot and the PCP meeting, but by the time I left the doctor's office, I felt loads better.
Thankfully, the doc doesn't think I have any serious issues to worry about, and the bloodwork seems to concur. She's going to hook me up with a nutritionist ๐๐๐ (because I haven't the slightest clue what "eating right" means), and I may end up doing some physical therapy to help with my shoulder problems. Overall, I seem to be in decent health, and for that, I'm so incredibly grateful.
The one thing she couldn't stress enough, is that I MUST stay sober. She thinks that the episodes I had are simply my body's way of telling me to cut the crap. And if I start using again, they might very well come back. And I fully agree. We've only got one life to live (as far as we know), and I refuse to waste mine feeling like that homeless dude's garbage cart ๐ฒ. I left the hospital with a renewed sense of purpose, and for now, the lows ๐ are back to highs ☝. Or mediums ๐๐, at least.
Thank you, readers, as always, for your unwavering support ๐๐๐
Tuesday, May 18, 2021
Identity
My identity... |
What it has done for me though, is change the way I relate to those pieces of my identity. No matter how many weeks or months or years I go without smoking pot, I'll always be a stoner. I'll always have that same curiosity about drugs that I had when I was a kid. But what I've realized is that I don't have to let my body be destroyed because of it.
I'm just a human being. My mind contains only my own memories, thoughts, and learned behaviors. Sure, I can change small stuff here and there, but I think it's extremely rare that someone's personality actually goes through a complete and total overhaul.
When you're doing drugs constantly, it's natural to think that you need to change everything about yourself if you want to get clean. And that's because your identity becomes so closely intertwined with substance use that you can't see how you could get clean without modifying your whole personality.
But I'm telling you, you're overthinking it. It's actually kind of the opposite, if you ask me. You need to accept who you are, and figure out how to be a sober version of that person. Not a better version, or a happier version... just a sober version. For someone who abuses drugs, the drugs become a crutch. When you take them away, you're left with nothing but your problems, and no healthy way to cope with them.
For me, it's loneliness, for the most part. When I quit doing drugs, I was left with a big, black, gaping hole of lonely. But soon enough, I began to think, "What can I do to plug this hole that doesn't involve drugs?" And that, depressing as it may sound, is the real change that takes place. Instead of using marijuana to keep my loneliness at bay, I started to be proactive about it.
And lo and behold, the universe heard me, because I was finally brave enough to ask the question instead of hiding from it. What I mean to say is, I made a friend this week. A friend who is also getting sober. I overheard her talking to her friend, and I decided to talk to a stranger. Which, if you know me, is not something I usually do. And it worked. We've been hanging out the last couple days and supporting each other, and shit... it's awesome. I know that making a friend may seem arbitrary to some of you, but to me, it's a big fucking accomplishment.
So I'm still all of those things that I mentioned in the first paragraph. But without my crutches holding me back, I can now be other things too. I'll always be a loner, but maybe I can make some friends who like me for me, and not because I'm drunk or high. I will always hate modern society, but maybe I can learn to love a few members of it. These things may seem small, but without getting sober, they would never have been possible.
I'm excited to find more ways in which I can reconcile my identity, and I hope that through your sober journey, you learn to love yours just a little more than you did before ๐❤๐
Saturday, May 15, 2021
Compromises
Don't do it... |
Thursday, May 13, 2021
Demons
Elliot and his biggest demon... "There's a saying. The devil's at his strongest while we're looking the other way, like a program running in the background silently, while we're busy doing other shit. Daemons, they call them. They perform action without user interaction. Monitoring, logging, notifications. Primal urges, repressed
memories, unconscious habits. They're always there, always active. We can try to be right, we can try to be good. We can try to make a difference, but it's all bullshit. 'Cause intentions are irrelevant. They don't drive us. Daemons do. And me? I've got more than most. Daemons... they don't stop working. They're always active. They seduce. They manipulate. They own us. And even though you're with me even though I created you, it makes no difference. We all must deal with them alone. The best we can hope for... the only silver lining in all of this... is that when we break through, we find a few familiar faces waiting on the other side."
๐ฟ Demons ๐ฟ We all have them. I've been really into this show called, "Mr. Robot" lately, and I really like the way it deals with inner and outer demons. The main character, Elliot, suffers from morphine addiction, amnesia, and his own inner demons, which manifest primarily as his dead father. I find this interaction between Elliot and his demons to be particularly intriguing. His Dad sometimes forces him to do horrible things, in order to further Elliot's own ambitions. And although Elliot realizes how powerful this can be, he also strives to rid himself of his curse in order to achieve his goals in a morally acceptable way.
The truth is, as ugly as they are, demons can be a source of motivation. Pain, suffering, heartache... all the negativity in our lives forces us to constantly seek the opposite. As far as addiction goes, this same truth can apply, if you let it. I've come to see each of my addictions as its own little demon. There's the marijuana demon, who lures me in with the promise of transforming the mundane; the alcohol demon who tries her damndest to convince me I won't make friends without her; the hard drug demon who tricks me with a false sense of spiritual connection... and of course, the cigarette demon... the most terrifying one of all, because he promises nothing but expects supreme loyalty.
But I think the recurring theme of communicating with your demons, instead of just letting them run in the background, is important when it comes to addiction. Because they ain't going away. That's the thing with demons; they're immortal. They will never die. But neither will your inner light. And they know that. That's why they throw every artifice in the book at you to try and convince you otherwise. I think you'll find that if you stand and face them, the two of you can actually have a constructive conversation. The demon will flail and struggle, but if you keep at it, it will start making compromises. It took up residence in your soul, and it can never leave. But you can limit its power. And that, really, is what conquering addiction is all about.
For me, they exist not just in the form of drug addictions, but as my anxiety, my failed relationships, and my self-doubt. If you are suffering from addiction, getting clean may present you with a lot of these other beasts, and dealing with them may very well be the difference between being successful or not.
I encourage you to be gentle with yourself during this process. Again, I'm trying to stay away from religious language here, but repentance is an important part of getting sober. Admit your faults. Put your sins out there for others to see. If you do this from a place of positivity, honesty, and responsibility, I think you'll find that it makes letting go of the drugs a little easier.
That's all for today, thanks for your continued support everyone ๐๐๐
Tuesday, May 11, 2021
Honesty
Feeling things again... |
Let's talk about honesty for a minute, because I believe it's a crucial piece of my sobriety puzzle.
How often do you lie? I bet most of you can't even be honest with yourself about that! And I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty; just to make you think. Sometimes lying actually has some benefits. It can save you time by not having to explain every aspect of a situation, and sometimes it can spare someone negative (or even positive) emotions that aren't really necessary. In fact, if we told the absolute truth about everything all the time... well I'm not sure I'd want to live a world like that.
However, when it comes to getting sober, the best thing you can do is be honest. In my last post, I talked about my trip to the ER. What I didn't mention, was that I decided not to tell the ER doc that I had taken a little too much molly the weekend before. My grandparents were sitting right there and at that moment, the last thing I wanted to do was make them feel disappointed in me. In hindsight, that was pretty stupid, as it may have factored into my diagnosis. But the next day, I woke up with purpose. I then decided it was important for me to tell my grandparents and my parents the truth, and man, their reception was amazing.
Never underestimate love. Love gives us the ability to look past peoples' flaws and see the good in them, even when they're being bad. I know it seems terrifying in the moment, but I urge you to have some faith in the people you love. They will understand, I promise. It may take some time, but they'll understand. They might be angry with you, but they will probably want to help more than anything else.
The three things I lie most about are:
1. My substance use ๐ฟ๐
2. My time and availability ๐๐
3. Money ๐ฐ๐ฒ
I've never been the kind of person that admits when money mistakes are made in my favor. Since I've been sober, that has changed. I played a poker tournament with my grandfather at his neighborhood clubhouse last Friday, and when the guy running the show gave me way too much change for my buy-in, I didn't say anything... at first. The old me would have just said, "Hell yeah! Free buy-in for me!", but after thinking about it for a second, I decided to go and give him the money back. After doing so, I felt really good about it.
Availability is another thing I tend to lie about, which is ironic, given the fact that I consider myself a pretty lonely person. I think it has a lot to do with the sheer laziness that I felt from smoking pot all day. I'm already putting myself out there much more than I was before, and I hope to bring some new people into my life who I don't feel like I have to lie to about my schedule.
And of course, last but not least, the reason we're all here: I've lied a lot about my substance usage. Not so much in the sense that my family doesn't know I smoke pot and do drugs and drink occasionally; it's always been more about the amount I was using. My Mom or Dad would call and say, "So, how are you doing with the cigarettes and pot?", and I would say something like, "Pretty good! Been cutting back lately." SO not true. ๐
I was never cutting back. But again, to tie this back to my original point, I thought that by lying to them, it would spare them some negative emotions that they didn't need to experience.
But after the raw and intense honesty I've exhibited this week, I'll never go back. Not only did I find that my family had nothing but positivity for me in return, I found that it was pretty cathartic, too. It makes you feel powerful to communicate with that much veracity. Although I'm not and never will be religious, I imagine that what I did this week is similar to a confession. It really does feel good to put your sins out there in the world instead of keeping them locked up inside. ๐๐
That's all for today. Thanks again for all the support, it's really incredible. Keep on keepin' on, all you beautiful people. ✌
Monday, May 10, 2021
Welcome to Purifier...
Appreciating the fact that I'm on this side of the door... |
My name is Adam Mitchell Schubert, but you can call me Adam Bomb ๐ฃ. I just turned 32, and I live in Denver, Colorado. I'm a musician, a gamer, and a cat lover. I had a fantastic childhood, I love my family, and until the last couple years, everything was going pretty smoothly for me. But I think it's pretty rare to get through an entire lifetime without a little trauma...
Five days ago, I was admitted to the ER for extreme vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, etc. It was the 3rd of such episodes in the last few months, and by far the worst. For at least a brief moment, I thought that was it. I felt like I was dying. Luckily, I wasn't, but my body was telling me something. Something big. If didn't make some massive changes to my lifestyle right away, I was going to be in deep shit.
I've been an insanely heavy smoker since I was about twelve or thirteen years old. I fell in love with cigarettes and marijuana long before I ever fell in love with a woman. I'll never forget the first time I smoked a cigarette; I was so dizzy that my friends had to hold me up, but for some reason, I liked it. I was fascinated with the idea that my stream of consciousness could be altered, and I wanted more. Soon after, I discovered cannabis and alcohol, and man oh man, was I in heaven.
Over the years, I tried it all. Opium, MDMA, prescription drugs, cocaine, mushrooms, LCD... you name it. Heroin and meth are the only things I never had the desire to do, more so out of fear than a lack of curiosity. Nothing ever stuck like the nicotine and THC, thankfully. But as my tolerances for those two grew, so did my intake; slow and steady, until last week when I ended up on a gurney.
It's ironic, because now, I'm so incredibly grateful to have my regular stream back. In the past week of being sober, I have experienced more intense emotions than I ever did on any drug. THC has been proven to mess with the way you process emotions, and let me tell you... that shit is real. Within just a day or two of quitting, I started to have the most insanely vivid nightmares, from which I would wake up in cold sweats, dizziness, and a very uncomfortable feeling that involves serious brain fog and sometimes even the inability to speak.
But I think I'm through the worst of it now, and I'm committed to not only staying sober, but to sharing my experience with the world, in the hopes that maybe just one of you will be impacted by these words. Although I truly feel that this time is different, and that I'm truly ready to take on health (which includes a complete 180 of my diet, and that thing called "exercise"), there are going to be rough seas ahead. Nicotine is actually my most stubborn addiction, and I imagine quitting is going to be something like wrestling a Tyrannosaurus rex.
But we'll get there. Together. It might be ugly, dark, and at times, seemingly hopeless... but I hope we can come out on the other side of this hazy tunnel with a sense of absolute purification ๐.
Welcome to Purifier. Make yourself at home... ๐ก๐
Happiness
Pursue that happiness!!! Ok! First off, happy pride month, ya'll. I might be the straightest guy since the invention of the line, b...